Remember What It Felt Like
by Pupmon1
Summary: Beruka's been acting strangely...distant. Even more so than usual. What exactly is weighing on her mind? [The Dragon's Retainers]


**AN: I'm not gonna say graphic...but they talk about violent acts...so...do with that what you will.**

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"Beruka! Talk to us!"

Beruka tensed at her lady's pleas as she started to walk away again. She had been avoiding Camilla...and Selena for a while now. She had returned to only being in their presence when it was required, but other than that, retreating to her room, or the training grounds, or up in the sky with Garnet. She didn't want to be like this, and she knew it was affecting Garnet, but she had to avoid them.

"...is that an order?" Beruka asked plainly, not glancing back. She knew what she'd see...and she didn't want to.

"No...no of course not...I just…" Camilla stopped, and Beruka's shoulders fell. Her voice was shaking, and the young assassin for once cursed her training...she could hear every weakness in her lady's voice.

"I'm returning to my room then."

Beruka took a deep breath and started to walk away, but she stopped when she felt Camilla grab her hand. "...please...Beruka…"

"Lady Camilla, I can't. I have to…" Beruka found it surprisingly easy to pull her hand from Camilla's grasp. She knew that Camilla could force her to stay if she wished...but she's letting her go. Good...it's for their own good.

The small assassin didn't look back as she walked away, though she could hear the soft sobs coming from Camilla...and a distinct growl rising from Selena. She knew what she'd see if she looked back...Camilla focusing on the floor, trying to hide her expression and stifle any sounds that tried to eek out...and Selena gripping her sword, her brownish red eyes alight with rage and pain.

Beruka retreated to her room and shut the door behind her. She leaned on the solid stone wall beside her door and put a hand on her chest. There was an ache there...the source of which she could never name, but she knew it had everything to do with Camilla and Selena. Her chest hurt...but this is nothing to what would come if she had stayed.

Her gaze drifted onto the black and brown leather armor that hung on a stand in a darkened corner of her room. "...you did this to me. I'm...alone… But they'll be safe...having nothing to do with you."

Beruka's hands clenched into tight fists. "They will be safe," she repeated as she closed her eyes. "Safe from you. Safe from...me…" One hand moved up and touched the bandana that was wrapped around her head. "Safe from what you did to me."

She noticed her voice was starting to shake and she forced herself to fall silent. She slid down to the floor, curling up where she landed. Her chest may hurt...but it was better than how much it would hurt to lose them. So she was just going to let herself ache...here in the darkness and silence where she belongs.

Suddenly a crash broke the silence and light streamed into her dark room from her door being kicked open. Beruka jumped and scrambled back from the sudden intrusion...but the intruder didn't surprise her. In her doorway stood Selena, her eyes full of anger as she turned to glare down at Beruka.

"S-Selen-"

"Shut up!" Selena snapped, making Beruka shy away from her harsh tone. Selena was strange to be around when she was furious, like standing too close to a fire that was far too hot and far too bright. Selena stepped towards Beruka, the assassin shying more into the shadows, away from her heat. "What are you doing?"

"My job," Beruka answered plainly, ignoring the fact the redhead just told her to shut up.

"What? Your job is to blow me off and break Camilla's heart?!"

Beruka looked and growled, her hands curling into tight fists once again. "You don't un-"

"Camilla's crying in her room!"

Beruka stopped and her eyes widened. She knew that would happen...she knew she hurt Camilla, but...hearing it made the ache in her chest worse. "I...I ca-"

"You don't care, do you?! She's nothing but a paycheck to you!" Selena snapped as she slammed the door completely open.

And at those words, and the annoying light shining in Beruka's face...she became upset. She stood and stared down Selena. "You do not understand. It's my job to keep her safe, and that's what I'm doing. It's your job too."

"Breaking her heart isn't keeping her safe! It's just hurting her!"

Beruka's gaze turned cold and hard as she stepped forward. "I am not safe to be around. You make her happy. Do your job and keep her safe from me."

"You make her happy, you dolt! And I know you'd never hurt her!"

Beruka sneered and stepped forward again, it was Selena's turn to retreat to the light. "You're making a judgment worthy of a normal person. A normal person wouldn't do what I have done. A normal person wouldn't live the way I live. A normal person would not have killed her father for fifty gold."

Selena finally didn't have a comeback for Beruka's hard words, and the fire in her eyes started to fade. Beruka snorted and shoved her fellow retainer out of her room. "Do your job, Selena! Protect her from me."

Beruka tried to shut the door, only for Selena to stop her. "No. Absolutely not. I don't CARE what you did a long time ago! Neither does Camilla! She needs you just as much as she needs me, you absolute dolt! I- You're coming with me. C'mon."

Beruka stumbled back, avoiding being grabbed by Selena. But Selena wasn't playing fair. She missed grabbing Beruka's scarf...and instead grabbed her bandana. The knot, loosened by a long day, easily came undone. Beruka's hand shot up, hiding her forehead as the other reached out to grab her bandana.

Selena skipped backward and grinned. "You want it back?"

"Selena! D-Don't."

Selena backed out of Beruka's reach before suddenly darting off. Beruka grabbed her scarf and pulled it up to cover her forehead like a hood. Then she followed Selena, a hot anger welling up inside her.

Camilla looked up when the heavy doors of her room were shoved open. She was so hopeful it would be Beruka and Selena...but it was just Selena. For a moment Camilla was sad, but her worry shoved it aside when she noticed Selena's heavy breathing.

"Selena? What happened?" she asked carefully as she got up.

Selena panted for a few seconds before smiling and showing her lady the black bandana she was clutching in her fist. "I did as you asked...and Beruka's coming."

Camilla hesitated for a moment before taking the bandana. "Selena...you shouldn't have gone that far."

Selena frowned a little and crossed her arms. "She needs to be here...she needs to talk to us...to you."

Camilla sighed and put a hand on her retainer's head. "I understand why you did this...but you shouldn't have. You know how she feels about this."

Selena's expression fell and she looked down. "...it helps her feel safe...I shouldn't have taken it."

"No, you shouldn't have," Camilla said sternly. Then she gestured for Selena to sit on the bed. As Selena slunk away, Camilla took the momentary silence to wipe her cheeks clean, not wanting Beruka to see her weak.

That's when Beruka burst through the door, quickly closing it behind her. She had attempted to use her scarf to hide her forehead...but it didn't work so well, her scar was visible behind the tattered fabric. Beruka spun around, scanning the room, though she froze when her gaze fell on Camilla.

Camilla smiled gently and stepped forward. She gently pulled down the makeshift hood, making care her gaze did not linger on the harsh scar emblazoned on Beruka's forehead. She properly folded the bandana and wrapped it around her retainers forehead. She tied a knot, making sure it was tight like her little assassin preferred it.

"...tight enough?"

"Perfect…" Beruka muttered on habit. "Like always." Beruka stepped back and closed her eyes. "...thank you…"

Camilla smiled and nodded. "It's my pleasure, Beruka...I apologize for Selena's actions."

"No, I understand why she did this...though, I would appreciate that she didn't do that again." Selena shied away under the surprisingly heated glare from her partner. Beruka took a deep breath to calm herself, and she started to inch towards the door.

"Beruka n-" Selena fell silent at Camilla's hand.

"She can go if she wishes."

Beruka paused with her hand on the door. "...I don't wish to, but...I don't have a choice."

"Beruka...I hired you to give you a choice."

"I'm using that choice to keep you safe," Beruka said plainly, avoiding Camilla's gaze.

Camilla frowned for a moment, then sighed. "Beruka. If you can look me in the eyes and say 'I'm leaving' I'll let you without explanation."

Beruka tensed and shifted positions awkwardly. She carefully lifted her gaze and was frozen by what she saw...the pain in Camilla's eyes, the strange blank expression she always had to keep her emotions in check. The ache in her chest that Beruka's anger had sent away returned at the sight of her mistress in such a state. Her hands curled into tight fists, and she couldn't hold her gaze. Her eyes snapped down, and she trembled.

"...Camilla please...I-"

"Beruka, look at me."

The assassin shook her head. "I can't...it hurts…"

Beruka didn't look up when Camilla sighed and tensed when she felt her arms around her. Camilla held her retainer close, gently petting her head. "...stay here then...just for now...please...tell us what's wrong."

Beruka hesitated for a moment before burying her head in Camilla's bust. "You wouldn't understand."

Camilla chuckled and gently led Beruka to her bed. She sat down, pulling Beruka into her lap. Selena reached out and put a hand on Beruka's shoulder. "Beruka...we'd understand if you told us...please tell us…" When Beruka shook her head again, Selena growled. "Does this have something to do with your dad?"

The assassin tensed and lifted her head. "...you remembered that…?"

"You yelled it at me, Bebe, you don't do that often. It kinda sticks in my mind whenever you get worked up."

Beruka grunted and buried her head into Camilla's chest. "...don't tease me."

Selena laughed and smiled. "I'm not, honey. Believe me, you'd know if I was teasing you."

"Selena behave," Camilla said sternly. "Now, Beruka...tell us why you're so distant."

"It's to keep you safe…" Beruka muttered, not looking up at her lady. "I'm not safe to be around."

Camilla laughed and shook her head. "Beruka, I could never be more safe with anyone else. Or at least...I've never felt safer with anyone else."

"You shouldn't...I'm n-"

"Beruka." Beruka tensed and looked up at Camilla, flinching at her stern gaze. "You should know better than to try and tell me how I should or shouldn't feel."

Beruka gulped and shied away. "Of course Lady Camilla, I'm sorry," she said very quickly. "I just...I can't make personal connections...not any large enough."

"And you think that because of your dad?" Selena asked.

Beruka carefully nodded. "Y-yes...it was my second job as a full-fledged assassin...he has failed a job...and needed to be taken out. An assassin's life isn't worth much…"

"You said fifty gold before."

Beruka nodded again. "Yeah...a sack of fifty gold...and a contract...that's all I was handed and...I killed him. I killed the man who saved me from the streets and trained me for my life." Beruka focused down on her hands as they curled into fists. "I still remember...what it felt like..."

"Tell us, let us bear your sins with you," Camilla said. It was clearly a request, but Beruka thought...if she explained, they'd understand why they should be afraid of her.

Beruka closed her eyes and focused on the memory. "He was asleep...I think he knew I was there...and why. I didn't even hesitate before I grabbed him...I pinned him to his bed on his back...then slit his throat." Beruka moved her hand in a slashing motion. "...I got his vocal cords...it was a silent kill...just a gurgle as...warm dark blood welled in the wound. Just like he taught me."

Beruka paused when she noticed one of her hands had found its way to her throat, her blunt nails digging into her skin. She shook her head and pulled her hand away. Then she lifted her gaze. She expected to find Selena and Camilla staring at her, horrified at how easily she killed the man who raised her, and realization that she's not a safe person to be around. Instead, she found nothing but sympathy.

She looked between the two, completely confused. "I...I killed him...the man who saved me," she insisted. "He saved me, gave me a purpose and I killed him!"

"Beruka, calm yourself," Camilla cooed.

"N-no! You...you don't understand!"

Camilla sighed and suddenly laid back, pulling Beruka with her. She pulled her retainer up and carefully reached over. She managed to reach a dagger hidden between the bed and the wall, then put it in Beruka's hand.

"L-Lady Camilla? Wh-" Selena was cut off by a look from her lady.

Camilla shifted positions and exposed her neck. She took Beruka's hand and pressed the blade against the soft flesh. "Slit my throat Beruka."

Beruka tensed the moment the blade neared Camilla's neck. And she froze. For the first time in...ever really, Beruka froze with a weapon in her hand. She couldn't move...couldn't pull away, her lady had ordered her to perform a task, but she also couldn't move to obey that command.

Camilla smiled gently, putting both her hands on Beruka's wrist. "You said you'd obey any order I gave. So do it...slit my throat."

Beruka trembled before shaking her head. "I...I can't...I'll do anything...but not this."

Camilla smiled and gently pushed the dagger away before pulling Beruka into a warm hug. "Then...think about it Beruka...you swore you would obey any order I gave...but you won't do this. What makes you think anyone with any amount of gold could get you to?" Camilla said in a gentle voice.

Beruka shook her head a little and sighed contently. "I...guess you're right…"

"You guess?"

"No...no. You're right." Beruka nodded and looked up at Camilla. "You're always right, Lady Camilla."

Camilla hummed and closed her eyes as she held Beruka. Beruka shifted positions carefully, turning to look at Selena. "You don't seem disturbed."

Selena laughed and laid back beside her lady and her partner. "Not really. I've seen worse."

"Seen?"

Camilla hummed and grinned. "Are we finally going to learn a bit about the woman from nowhere?"

"Hmm...I guess I should tell ya, at least a little bit." Selena took a deep breath to steady her voice, then told her tale. "A few years ago, where I was from...it was the end of the world. Or at least, like, our world. A demon had cast a darkness over the land, a darkness so deep, it blocked out even the sun. Our Exalt took his army...our parents...and marched on the demon. They failed, of course. But the demon wasn't content just taking their lives...he took their afterlives from them as well. He made them part of his undead army, fun right?"

"You and your friends were the survivors?" Camilla guessed.

Selena nodded and chuckled. "Indeed...the children of heroes...the only champions of good, or so our leader, the princess said. But it wasn't easy. We were young...and afraid. We won in the end...but at a cost. One of those costs was...having to fight our parents. I still remember when my mother appeared, she and a bunch of risen pegasi riders appeared one night where we were camping." Selena's hand came up to touch her shoulder as she spoke. "...I remember...her spear had broken, its head embedded in my shoulder...and my sword in her gut. I slashed upward...splitting her in two...and slicing off her head. I always said it was the right thing to do. I saved my friends and gave my mother's soul the peace it required but...it was hard."

Beruka hummed and shifted positions awkwardly. Then she suddenly felt herself slide to one side of Camilla. She groaned in complaint, though Camilla ignored her, gesturing with her arm. Suddenly she found herself sandwiched between Camilla and Selena.

"...warm…" she muttered.

Camilla wrapped her arms around both girls and kissed Selena's forehead. "You did what you needed to...that was commendable."

Selena smiled and nuzzled into them both. "...thanks, Lady Camilla."

Camilla nodded and sighed. "I suppose we all have this in common...killing a family member."

"Camilla? Did something happen?" Selena asked carefully, Beruka shifting positions between the two. She reached out and took Camilla's hand, a silent form of support.

Camilla chuckled and sighed. "Heh...since we are baring our souls, I used to have an older sister...she was my friend...she taught me everything I know about etiquette and court. But...I've told you our life wasn't easy...our mothers, Garon's mistress' all hated each other." Selena nodded a little and Beruka curled up, but said neither said anything, letting their lady continue. "Well….they used us to fight with others. But, I kept Leo and Elise out of it, they were the youngest...me and my sister promised this to each other, that we wouldn't hurt them. She broke that promise. She went after Leo."

"Wh-why?" Selena asked carefully.

"She had a natural gift for magic, more than my own, but it didn't stack up to Leo's. Her mother convinced her to...I don't know...maybe threaten Leo...maybe harm him. I never found out. She came into Leo's room when he was helping me study. I noticed her...and the dagger before he did. I got her out of the room before he noticed...but she wasn't happy about that. I...had to defend myself." Camilla chuckled and shook her head. "I remember...she stabbed at me...and I turned the blade in on herself...and jammed it into her chest."

"So we're all family murderers…" Selena muttered, glancing away.

Beruka felt Camilla tense up and she glanced back at Selena coldly. She elbowed her in the side, then snuggled into Camilla. "No...I'm a murderer...you're a protector Lady Camilla...you're not a bad person, like me."

"Beruka…" Camilla's hand slid down and gently gripped Beruka's hip, pulling her closer. "You're not a bad person."

Beruka hummed and smiled tiredly. "Not when I'm with you…" she said with a gentle kiss.

"H-hey!"

Beruka glanced back at Selena and chuckled hollowly. She carefully rolled over and kissed Selena awkwardly. "Right right...can't forget little needy little Selena."

"I'm n-not nee-" Selena was cut off when Camilla captured her lips in a kiss.

"Yes you are dear," their lady cooed softly. "But don't worry...it's cute."

Beruka chuckled and closed her eyes, deciding she was going sleep here, enjoying this warmth, both from the two bodies beside her, and this great warmth welling up in her chest. When Selena tried to pull away, Beruka grabbed her shirt and groaned in complaint.

"I think Beruka wants to sleep here," Camilla said in a soft tone.

Selena laughed and nodded. "Yeah...seems so. I don't mind that."

Beruka felt a smile grow on her face as the two around her fell into a gentle, comfortable rhythm. Their breathing relaxed to a slow pace, and their bodies relaxed to a place Beruka could never imagine reaching. And yet...she felt herself fall into a similar rhythm as she drifted off to sleep alongside them.


End file.
